S.O.S.

I’ve done the unthinkable.

I have promised myself that I would never take it this far. But here I am, planning it all out, to cope with what it is that I am giving up despite the fact that I declared that I would stay true to my love and desire.

My love and desire of all things carbohydrates and starches.

It’s unthinkable, I know. But I’m at the end of my rope and I need to see if this will work. You can ask anyone. Even a complete stranger. My ridiculous consumption of carbohydrates and starches are legendary. I have never met a potato that I didn’t like. (Ok once, at a really fancy restaurant to which I will say, “badly done. How can you possible mess that up?!”)

It all started because I have been noticing that as I get older, I get run down quite a bit and seem to have a difficult time rebooting for the next big work day. Yes, I’m not 21 anymore and no, work has not gotten any easier for me over the last 11 years despite my move into glorified management. I need to find a way to feel healthy, light and ready to move my ass. So like every girl with a dream to be fit, have a bathing suit ready body year round with a nice booty, I got myself a personal trainer. And boy is she worth it.

Even working out two days a week wasn’t enough. Yes, more energy, feeling healthier but not the big punch that I need to get me through the next 25 years of working doubles in the kitchen. So, the last resort was to define and alter my eating habits, which was originally off limits for even my trainer to comment on. Upon a three-day, food fest in New York City, my liver, kidney, and stomach all called quits on me. I could not, would not, fit one more string of pasta, French fry, crostini in my mouth for fear that I might actually explode. There is nothing worse that being at Locanda Verde and not being able to enjoy the food for fear of a heart attack at the table. Pretty sure I would not be asked to come back after that.

Something has to change here.

So here it goes, I am going to attempt to go cold turkey. (No pun intended but protein is totally legit) I am going to try my damnest to give up bread, pasta, potato, and eat less of desserts. (That’s my damn livelihood people, don’t you dare be judging me on the less part.) What does less mean you ask? Well instead of eating the whole pie my guy has been instructed to rip that shell out of my hand after two bites or so. Nothing screams commitment than seeing a grown man grabbing a pie from his ol’lady while she yells, “just one more bite, please….I beg you!”. That’s love people, real love.

In attempt to learn more about carb-dairy free pastries, I have done some research. Yes, I will admit I am a cadet in the Anti-vegan Pastry Army; I have the understanding that some individuals do not have the personal luxury of being able to digest wheat, diary, or eggs. It’s those people who do it for the “cool” factor. You can usually spot them with skinny levis that show their ass crack, a sling bag made of hemp that says “Obama Yes we DID”, and an air of self-righteousness surrounding them.

Right, back to the point. I went to check out Babycakes. I vegan-gluten free institution available in both NYC and LA. Erin McKenna was diagnosed in 2004 with a wheat allergy- which I’m sure was a very traumatic event. (Please reference “When Life Gives You Lemons” BCB blog, where youngest get tested for diabetes…scary.) McKenna developed recipes for her gluten deficient pals and as an over achiever, made some of the vegan as well. She uses ingredients like coconut oil, applesauce, agave nectar, and rice milk to give pastries the tenderness, airiness, and flavor as if you were eating one bursting full of wheat and animal dairy flavor. After purchasing a slice of pound cake and a brownie “bite” (boy will not be needed to grab from me since it really is one bite) and lemonade the bill came out to $14.00.

Realizing that going carb and slightly diary pastry free was going to be more expensive than going to that lovely patisserie across the street and getting that slice of gateau basque cake with a caffeine soaked tea would only cost me $6.95, slightly irritated the hell out of me. Perhaps it is true that vegans cannot get upset due to the lack of animal product in their blood stream.

After tasting the pound cake and brownie bite, I was not too disappointed. Granted, it’s a departure from the French pastries I love so dearly, but like I said, I’m making an effort here. I purchased not one but two of her cookbooks with the intention that when I have free time to bake at home (**laugh**) that I would try to use these recipes as a base and work off of them to make tasty and delicious pastries that will not slow me down or put me in cardiac arrest after two bites.

And if that doesn’t work, just look for me at your local restaurant fighting with my man over if that last bite counted as bite one or bite two of the coffee hazelnut budino with latte granita and lemon gelato.

Compliments of Babycake’s Cookbook:

Brownie Gems:

.5 cup fava flour

.25c brown rice flour

.25c potato starch

2T arrowroot

.5cup cocoa powder

2t baking powder

.25t baking soda

.25t xanthan gum

1t salt

.5 cup coconut oil

.3 cup agave nectar

.5 cup applesauce

1T vanilla extract

.5 cup hot water or coffee

Method:

Preheat the oven to 350F. Grease muffin tins with coconut oil.

Mix all the dries together. Mix all the wets together. Mix the wets into the dry and whisk till smooth. Scoop the batter into prepared tin and bake in oven till firm edges with a soft center occur. If mini size- about 14 minutes, for fudgy texture, back for 9 minutes total.) Allow to cool. EAT!