Sugar Rush

I constantly eat pastries. Sugar. Flour. Eggs. Butter. I love every moment of it.

That is until I have to go to the dentist.

Note to self: I HATE the dentist but I do have a great one that even when I have a cavity (in this case I had 2) they put me under the gas.

I have had this once before and came up with some awesome desserts so I thought this would be a perfect time for me to figure out what I would do for my tastings since I was currently on the market for a new job. (No worries readers, a blog “Bitter Chick Down, I repeat Bitter Chick Down” is coming out shortly to dissect that topic).

So, I took one big huff of that gas, opened wide and delved deeper into my subconscious hoping to find some new way to present a tart, or perhaps a different combination of flavors. (At this point I really wished I had a pen and paper to write what I would have uncovered and more importantly the motor skills to actually write this all down. This is the best I what I recalled)

I awaited thoughts of pastry cream, chocolate and oh, perhaps….. summer fruits!! None appeared and I was left with the deafening sound of the drill and the constant reality of the thoughts that went thru my head daily.

Ms. All I Care About it My J-O-B- quit her job. How could I do this? Am I royally messing up my career by leaving this post and not even worrying about where I will go next? Lets face it, I don’t know where I want to go next! As the date gets nearer and nearer I glance past the time that I spent between those walls, in that building, with those people. The things I learned, the ridiculous amount of time I spent there, the food I created, the people I let down because “I had to be at work.” I go back and forth between “is it worth it” and “this is how its done to be successful” and have yet to find the right answer.

The growing pains that I endured in the last two years has created this monumental moment in my life that makes me wonder, “Who do I want to be?” Before I had never questioned what it is that I wanted to do, nor how I would spend my time- the answer was always work. But as I saw life passing away- Thanksgivings I missed, baby showers I couldn’t attend, phone calls I could even find the time to pick up, I realized that sure, I could devote my life to food but would that really be enough for me?

I began to rethink this whole love affair with food. Its not that I don’t adore creating things of butter, sugar, and flour but when does hiding behind your profession because you are too scared to see what else is out there become acceptable? The equally scarier thought, is that did I even know that I was doing it?

What it boils down to is that I was always a “me” person. My career, my trip, my sandwich, my cat, my life. My constant run in with significant others never really seemed to crack the “me life”- I was never willing to give in that much. One day I was in love with them the next day I was in love with a ham and cheese croissant. (They really are sexy…) The constant obsession of the chase, of the “something new” became an addiction and me running to my work to hide from any kind of real attachment was the easy way out.

It wasn’t until recent that I began seeing things from outside the looking glass. Was it because I was emotionally and physically run down from a job that nothing ever seemed enough? Or perhaps I just wanted some sense of normalcy and the fact that I couldn’t seem to get control of my own life that made me do it. Or having a boyfriend that actually supported me and truly understood what I meant when I said “I want to date an adult.” Could be one of these many layers building up that made me strike for a change?

I took another breathe- she was only on the first tooth so I figured I had some time.

There are things that I took for granted; things that I figured would always be there- despite what I chose to do with “my life.” My family, my friends, my health- that as I got older and my medical bills became a monthly thing, I realized I had to pay more attention to because one day they will all be gone. (Obviously would hope that the medical bills are gone anytime before the family and friends…) And with that there is more to life then just my J-O-B. Granted, I love what I do and the things that I am able to create. But I also love to read, to travel, to see my mom make that damn cranberry upside down cake that she bitches about not coming out perfect even though it IS perfect ever year, to seeing my sister laugh so hard that no noise comes out, to seeing the sun at some point during the summer, to getting all my girlfriends together for dinner and not once in two years, to kissing my boyfriend goodnight EVERY night, not just the nights I can make it.

Obviously I am not naïve enough to think that I will stop working and somehow be able to enjoy all these life’s giving’s all of a sudden. But what I can do is stop living the “me” life and start making it a “we” life. Realizing that I want to be there for the people I love and understand that comes with obstacles. I could sit there and figure out menus, new techniques, schedules, time lines; its time that I figured in birthdays, holidays, phone dates, I love yous.

Good God, she’s on to tooth two….another big huff.

At this point I feel woozy and the taste of metal is starting to really irritate the hell out of me, but I tell myself its time to wrap this up and have some sort of conclusion in this hazy mental state of mind.

In this time of uncertainty, of leaving a job that was my life and not certain as to what is next, to moving to a new apartment in less than two weeks, to holding my boyfriends hand at the funeral of his oldest brother in three days, I can only feel that I will do my best to be that better person and not just a better pastry chef.

As I slowly drift out of my induced haze, with dry lips I attempted to piece together my thoughts over the last thirty minutes. With all the things that I had to take care of and never having enough time to do it, I felt inclined to take the time to share this.

Granted, I hate going to the dentist and partially my ridiculous intake of pastries do not help the health of my teeth. However, if it weren’t for their care perhaps I would not have stumbled upon such thoughts.

Now what to do with this numb mouth?

Not My Mom’s Upside Down Cake But Mine:

Smear:

6oz butter

8oz brown sugar

.5 cup toasted chopped hazelnuts

Method: melt you butter and whisk in your sugar and nuts. Allow to set up room temp.

Cake:

8oz toasted hazelnuts processed fine

1.5c sugar

6 oz butter

3 eggs

1t vanilla extract

325g crème fraiche

2.5c All purpose flour

1T baking powder

1.5t salt

Method: cream your nuts, sugar and butter till light and fluffy. Add you eggs and vanilla slowly. Add crème fraiche, be sure to scrap down the sides of the bowl. Add your dries at the end. Grease one baking bake and spread the smear all over. Chop fresh fruit (pineapple is super tasty with this recipe) and place into the smear. Cover with cake batter about ¾ way full. Place in a 350F oven and bake till golden brown. Allow to cool slightly and when about room temp flip over and pat yourself on the back cause damn that cake looks nice.

p.s. babe….I finally get it.